THERAPY FOR SHAME IN ORANGE COUNTY

WHAT IS SHAME?

We Specialize in Therapy for Shame in Orange County

The word “shame” covers a broad spectrum — when someone says they’re feeling ashamed, they could be feeling bad, unworthy, flawed, guilty, shy, or embarrassed, in varying levels of intensity. Shame is a natural and multifaceted emotion that is intricately woven into the human experience. According to Alen J. Salerian, a renowned expert, it is recognized as a complex emotional reaction that often takes root in the formative years of childhood development.

As normal as it is to experience shame, however, there are times when its severity can impact your quality of life. Shame involves negative feelings about yourself. The addition of guilt (which involves negative feelings about your actions) or embarrassment (which is a reaction to societal expectations or reactions) can further worsen the issue.

Unresolved shame can profoundly impact how you perceive yourself, reshaping your interactions in social, professional, and intimate contexts. Should shame become intertwined with your self-esteem or self-perception, it can significantly contribute to conditions like anxiety, depression, various mental health disorders, body dysmorphia, eating disorders, social anxieties, substance misuse, domestic conflicts, workplace altercations, road rage incidents, sexual transgressions, and an array of other difficulties.

WHAT CAUSES SHAME?

Some of the most common are sources:

• Having a mental health diagnosis — The stigma surrounding mental health can lead to those with a mental health condition feeling ashamed of themselves and their condition, which in turn may worsen their symptoms and make it more difficult to seek help.

• Low self-esteem — Those that inherently have low self-esteem may struggle with shame, even when it doesn’t stem from a specific source.

• Cultural norms — Violating the expectations and rules (e.g. stigma against homosexual relationships or a couple living together before marriage) that a culture sets for its members can lead to feeling shame or being shamed by others. In some cultures where collectivism is strong, you might feel shamed by a loved one violating cultural norms.

• Religious norms — Religions also hold their members to strict religious standards and may use shame to “motivate” them to do better.

• Trauma and abuse — Being a victim of trauma and abuse (e.g. sexual abuse or assault, childhood abuse, domestic violence, gaslighting, etc.) can lead to long-lasting shame, even years after the abuse occurred. Victims may feel ashamed about their experiences and their inability to “escape” the situation and may blame themselves unfairly for the trauma they suffered. 

HOW DO I KNOW IF I’M EXPERIENCING SHAME?

Experiencing shame is often deeply unpleasant. You may feel as though you’re “bad” by nature and consequently worthless or irredeemable regardless of your actions or feelings.

In some people, this can motivate change, while in others, it can cause paralysis. If you're unsure if you feel ashamed, here are some reactions linked to shame by psychiatrist Peter Breggin:

• Feeling unappreciated, inadequate, used, rejected, dishonorable, regretful, or sensitive.

• Feeling like others take advantage of you, you have little to no impact, you’re an “outsider” or always left out, you can’t trust others, or you can’t be your true self.

• Worrying about what others think of you or that you’re not being treated with respect.

• Being a perfectionist, afraid to look stupid, or worried about failure.

• Not sharing your opinions, feelings, or thoughts because you’re afraid of being embarrassed.

• Being a wallflower, trying to be inconspicuous or hide from being the center of attention.

• Wanting to withdraw from others or shut people out.

• Wanting to have the last word.

• Uncontrollable blushing.

• Losing your identity.

In addition, there are common behaviors that people do when they feel shame:

• Keeping your head low and refusing to look people in the eye.

• Keeping a poor posture and slumping your shoulders instead of standing straight.

• Speaking in an overly quiet voice or stuttering when trying to speak.

• Hiding from others.

• Feeling unable to move (i.e. being “frozen” or “rooted to the spot”).

• Being unable to act spontaneously.

• Crying.

If living with shame has caused significant challenges in your life, preventing you from meeting core needs like self-esteem, hopefulness, friendship, intimacy, and productivity, you may want to seek out therapy for shame in Orange County.