YOU’RE NOT ALONE

Have you ever thought to yourself: “I’m unhappy, but I’m not sure why”? This may be an especially confusing experience if you are an adult achieving success in many areas of your life, and consider your childhood years uncomplicated. Still, you feel like something is missing. 

In addition to every human’s basic needs for food, clothing, and shelter, children need unconditional love, guidance, stability, trust, and encouragement from their primary caregivers to develop into well-adjusted adults.

Every child deserves to know that they are valued, loved, cared for, and to have a secure and nurturing environment. While this is the ideal, no one is guaranteed attentive, attuned, and healthy parental figures as role models during their developmental years. The absence of warmth, affection, validation, safety, caring, or reassurance provided by your primary caregivers as a child can have a profound impact on your emotional growth and development.

People are finally acknowledging and naming the insidious forms of developmental trauma that can occur in childhood. Not all forms of mistreatment leave physical marks. For people who were emotionally neglected as children, it was the absence of things which you needed but didn’t receive when it mattered most. 

WHAT IS CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL NEGLECT?

Childhood emotional neglect (CEN) is a form of trauma that occurs when caregivers fail to provide their child with adequate attention and care. It can be difficult to identify because there aren’t any physical signs of abuse, but it can have lasting effects on your self-esteem and relationships.

CEN occurs when caregivers or parents are physically present, but fail to meet their child’s emotional needs by being unavailable or rejecting them in some way. Childhood emotional neglect is a hidden, yet common form of childhood trauma. Children with this type of experience may look like they grew up in what appeared to be a normal family: no abuse, no violence, and not even any significant neglect. However, as children grow older they begin to realize that their caregivers weren’t available for them in the way that all children need for healthy psychological development.

WHY IS CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL NEGLECT DIFFICULT TO IDENTIFY?

It’s difficult to admit, or even consider the possibility that you have been emotionally neglected as a child. You may find yourself thinking that it wasn’t really that bad, or at least not as bad as other people have experienced.

Emotional Neglect is a form of developmental trauma that occurs when caregivers fail to provide their children with enough emotional attunement to form an appropriate caregiver-child attachment. Attunement and healthy attunement are crucial aspects of a child’s development. Caregivers or parents who are not adequately attuned may show little interest in their child’s feelings or activities; they are emotionally unavailable for their child’s needs (even though they may be physically present); or they may ignore major life events such as birthdays or graduations.

If you’re like most people who grew up with Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), you’ll find yourself thinking, “My parents always provided enough food and a roof over my head” or “It could have been worse.” Yet, there was something missing from their love that made it hard for them–and for you–to meet your deepest needs in childhood and beyond: emotional intimacy; empathy; validation; unconditional acceptance and encouragement of who you were at any given moment in time.

EXAMPLES OF CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL NEGLECT

Below are some common experiences that people who have experienced childhood emotional neglect may share: 

Growing up in a home where emotional expression was rarely allowed, you never quite felt like you could be your true self. Any time you tried to discuss your feelings, your caregivers or parents would immediately shut you down. They suggested, directly or indirectly, that your emotions are unwelcome or unreasonable. You often felt alone and misunderstood, like no one cared enough to really listen or even notice that you were sad, anxious, angry or hurt.

As the oldest child in the family, you were often left to take on responsibilities that were beyond your years. While your siblings were given the attention and affection they deserved, you were left to fend for yourself and made to feel guilty if you ever asked for more. You may have often felt invisible and like you weren’t valued as an important part of the family. You may have felt shame for having even basic needs. 

Growing up in a home with well-meaning but workaholic caregivers, you received love in the form of material wealth. You may have moved around often for the adults’ job opportunities. Even when your caregivers were present, it felt like they were absent emotionally, leaving you feeling abandoned and neglected. You were expected to have similar success to your caregivers, and this was prioritized over your emotions or spending quality time together. 

Additional examples of childhood emotional neglect:

• Lack of emotional warmth and attunement from caregivers 

  1. Not feeling safe to talk about feelings with caregivers

  2. Caregivers not attending to signs of anger, sadness, fear, loneliness, or anxiety

  3. Attempts for physical affection are dismissed or ignored 

  4. Not being able to ask for help when needed, or getting punished when asking for help

  5. Frequent criticism from caregivers

  6. Lack of safety and security

  7. Refusal to apologize or own up to mistakes

  8. Excessive and unreasonable rules and expectations

  9. Lack of appropriate structure and modeling necessary for healthy self-discipline skills 

  10. Pressure to perform or excel at often unattainable standards 

  11. Modeling hostile or passive-aggressive patterns of communication

  12. Refusing to take responsibility or blaming the child

  13. Disregarding the child’s emotional and physical boundaries repeatedly